The Official Kenn Russell Web Log

I’m the kind of person who takes hold of my time, something that some people do not have probably because of the demands of their lives. My parents taught me that time is something valuable - that it shall never be wasted. Yes, I sort of know that and I know this lesson even more now.

I never thought that waiting will be a big part of my life. It’s something I’ve been doing for the past months. What else can make me do this, you wonder? Well, you probably have an idea now - nothing else but this crazy thing called love.

I’m in love. This fact is the clearest thing I know for the moment. Well, we all know the feeling. Once it sees you, it holds you. This is how it is for me now. Maybe even stronger. Unlike the past experiences I had, this person knows exactly how I feel. You see? It’s clear for the both of us. So what am I writing for right now? Well, this person (let’s hide the identity with the alias Toblerone) is not ready for a commitment, saying that fears are keeping us from being together now. When I asked about this, Toblerone wouldn’t tell. So here I go, mighty as I am, staying firm with my promise that I can wait and in the end, love will see us through.

So I waited…

and waited…

and waited…

and I’m still waiting.

It’s not an easy road to take in contrast to what I thought it would be. Sometimes we are happy (unlike any other sort of happiness) and sometimes we get strangled by misunderstandings and lack of good means for communication (we always talk through text).

Now, here’s the problem. We got really comfortable with the way things are that I do not know if we are moving any further. I love Toblerone and I believe the same is true towards me. But where do we go from here? How shall I tell Toblerone that I really want us to be there already? Will Toblerone take me the wrong way if I say so? Will I actually blow my chances? And if I do not speak, how long will I wait? Can I expect Toblerone to make the first move? Am I really waiting for anything?

So many questions, not a single answer. I guess I’ll end this here. :|

I could see the lights dimming low.

The curtains were on the verge of the fall.

The music was nothing but soft and gloomy

And my heart was sensible enough to perceive.

I knew that it’s always meant to end up so wrong.

I even warned myself before I let go.

This is something that hits a place right home

‘Cause this is a dream I always yearn for.

The final act I must play with all my might -

It’s the one which needed me to give up

And the tears should fall like it never before.

As I breathed hard, I counted down to “here I go.”

The crowds stood with their banging affirmation.

The orchestra played the last line of the section.

I watched you raise from your seat out of the house.

And before the curtains close, the true tears broke out.

My existence is of no significance if it wouldn’t be lived for you.

Each day I wake up to is another time gone to waste.

Every road is like a long and endless ride I travel on.

Living is nothing but a senseless battle I should face.

Should I undo somethings that are gone to the past,

I would live my life only for your glory.

I wonder how it took me so long to figure out

That all is yours and that should be enough to be happy.

Happy birthday Jesus! My all is yours.

I was a fool to believe that something like this can come true. How many times did I fail in this race? How many times will I still do? I guess it is true what they say about not getting lucky at all times. I guess I learned a new lesson.

Love is such a mysterious thing to consider. No one knows how deep it can go and how painful it can be. Yet, no matter how uncertain the consequences are, we still hung up for that special feeling and try our luck at getting ourselves a hold of it. We still go on the path of love with our eyes blindfolded.

Blindfolded.

That is probably the way I would describe how it feels to fall in love. We will take the risks with our hearts as the collateral for its failure to materialize into something good. Reaching out towards the dark alley, eyes blindfolded and soul bare-naked, we will try to pursue for the satisfaction of our inner thirst. The inner thirst to be loved. Just as sure as the obscurity that surrounds, stumbling and falling are sure to happen. But stubbornly, we will get up and go on again in the search. I doubt if anyone can be more masochistic than this.

Yet, time will come when a person would just throw his hands up and quit. Maybe because he found out that there really is nothing to search for. Or maybe it all seems to be pure insanity. Whatever the reason, the fact is, the “giving up” is justified.

I wonder how it took me so long to realize that nothing like love can happen in my life. (Except, of course, in the case of the love of God)  With all that happened to me in my 18 long years of living, I never really felt accepted by the people whom I once felt or feels special for. So that is the reason why I want to ask myself: What’s the point? The answer I can see now is that the point of loving is pointless if  it only entails heartbreak and pain. That is unfair. You will give love only to receive pain? Where is justice in that?

This is why I want to throw my hands up and say “I quit.” I hurt so many people and in the process, I hurt myself as well. I bruised my very fragile heart. Now, all I want is to keep a straight face and accept that I’m not lucky in the line of “love.” If God will permit, He would send that one who will reciprocate my feelings. If not, that is okay. Maybe I have to live my life for something else. Yes, it is a harsh reality to face. But what can I do? I don’t want to act like everything is fine and everything will smooth out eventually. Let alone God decide my destination and the path that will lead me to it.

I’m not going to cry even if the title of this post appears that I will do. It’s just that my heart is crying nonstop ever since I can remember. And I don’t need another reason to feel bad about myself.

I’ve known this road. It’s very familiar. It’s something I really remember. Because this is the story of my life…

Goodbye.

I am ready to face the world and say this is where I belong

I am not afraid to take the ride even if it takes too long

Shall I jump or shall I stay to keep from burning out?

Guess, I’ll jump and explore to prove that I’m ready now.

(Believe. You don’t know what can happen if you do.)

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, —- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! —- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

—>definitely one of the greatest love poems ever.

Yes, I’m in love.

That line ultimately says what I’m feeling inside. And now that it’s out, I feel a certain degree of freedom - like keeping a huge choking rock or whatever it is inside my chest and finally letting that one out.

You may ask: Now, Kenn, do you feel fine now?

I may hate to say but I definitely have to answer “no”. As much as I want to feel okay and as much as I want to be happy, I cannot. Why? Let me answer this particular question with another question. Does that person whose existence made mine totally special know what I’m feeling?

I know that the person I’m talking about may be reading this post in this very moment. So let me take this opportunity to say what I’ve been burying for I don’t know how long.

I love you. I don’t know how it happened or when it started. But that’s the truth. I can feel it. I do love you. Maybe it’s your eyes, or your smile, your perfume, or your casual way of doing anything. Whatever it is, it made me fall into you. I’m sorry for I cannot say this directly to your face because I don’t know if I can have the strength to do that. But just know that what I’m feeling is true and cannot be denied.

Yes, I’m in love with someone. My heart finally opened up and hopes that the feeling can be reciprocated. I can feel my blood flow like it never did before. The tension is building and it sends chills up and down my arms. I can find myself lost in thought for hours with our pictures together flashing in my mind.

Yes, I’m alive.

Yes, I’m in love.